You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
