Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Randomize
