i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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