This beer is not sobering me up at all
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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