i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
