hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
