last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
The power of my boobs compel you
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
