He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
