hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
