i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
