I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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