every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
