I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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