he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
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