a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
