Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
