If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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