just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Randomize
