My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
