I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
You pole danced in your parka.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
