You were right. It hurts to walk today.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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