Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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