He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
