i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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