Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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