apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
