He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
