There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
