It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
