I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Randomize
