when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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