So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
