i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
