I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
