New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
