Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Randomize
