can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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