Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
