Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
you traded sex for a burrito?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Randomize
