I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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