I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Randomize
