I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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