I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
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