I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
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