I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
lets start a swedish sibling band together
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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