A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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