Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
