I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
