I think i peed on brittanys purse
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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