just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
