I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
